End Of Life Care & Other Subjects

In the course of my life I have either heard or been told the following:  “we set ourselves up for pain”.  I would agree with that for the most part, but there are those times I know that we can get blind-sided.  Today was not one of those cases.  I was not blind-sided, I set myself up to hurt.

My estranged, older brother was in town this weekend for his class reunion.  Now my brother and I have not spoken in several years. I will not bore you with how we got to this place, just let me say it is something that got way out of hand and I was judged, found guilty and as the Amish would say, now I am being shunned by him. During this period  of time my sister-in-law- informed me that I was no longer considered immediate family so therefore I would not be getting birthday and Christmas gifts anymore. Excuse me, to hell with the gifts,  but since when is a sibling not considered immediate family?

This was the brother that I idolized and followed around when we were growing up. He was my hero. Through two major illnesses I stayed close to home to be with him. I prayed for his safety every day he was in Viet Nam. As a brother and sister we were close. I was there in the stands cheering every Friday night football game he played. He wasn’t the type of guy I wanted to marry but as a brother, he was the best, in my eyes. He wasn’t perfect, but either was I and yet some of the best times in my whole life were with him.

This conflict between the two of us has also caused me to stay away from other family events.  I know how it would be, as I have been there before.  He would act like everything is wonderful between us and put on this front, but then the minute we leave he would go back to shunning me. I can’t go and play that game anymore. That in itself would be setting myself up to be hurt.

So he was home this weekend for his class reunion and having checked the schedule there was a lot of free time.  Why did I think he would call and/or come over? Maybe because I wanted him to.  Except for cousins he is all that I have left. Most of me knew he wouldn’t but I let that one little part of me, my heart, think that he would so I made sure the condo was cleaned up and I made sure I was around, just waiting, just hoping and yes, now hurting.

It is now 7:55 p.m. and I know that he is at home and not giving me one thought.  I am through setting myself up for anymore hurt from him. I love you brother, but I don’t like you so much right now. But I do like myself and I am not going to let you hurt me again.

2/27/13  I won’t do this very often, but on this particular blog post I am, as I have been thinking about it for a long time.  Since I wrote this, I found out that my brother was not in town for the three day event, as his friends thought he would be. He and his wife came in town for one evening event and went home the same day. So he wouldn’t have had time to see me.

I still stand by the reason I wrote this post to begin with. The whole point was to say that if we do not put people on pedestals or make assumptions regarding their actions we will find that we do not get hurt with life as much.  When these people that are on pedestals fall off them, they don’t get hurt, but we do. If we don’t put them there then they can’t fall, and we don’t get hurt. Being on a pedestal is a big responsibility for the person who is on it.  We are asking a lot of them when we put them there.

My mom was a great one for making an assumption that someone was going to do something. Sher spent a great deal of the time hurt because they didn’t do what she assumed they would. To her it was almost a personal insult when they didn’t.

I vow right now in front of cyber-world, God and everyone……there will be no more pedestals or assumptions in my life. Please forgive me friends and loved ones whom I have put on a pedestal at one time or another.  I am taking you off of it.  I don’t want to be hurt anymore and I don’t want to saddle you with the responsibility of worrying about hurting me or keeping up that image on that pedestal.

Again, my intent on this original post was to make a point about setting ourselves up to be hurt, not to deliberately hurt or anger anyone else.

On the days I go to work I pass the women’s shelter.  This is the place women and their children go who have fled an abusive home, and some are fleeing for their lives.  Once in a while I see a few of them and first of all thank the dear Lord that I am not one of them, and secondly wonder what will happen to them.  It’s the holidays. Thanksgiving to be exact, which is the official kickoff to that part of the year that we either love or hate with a passion. There is different reasons for either feeling, but there is no gray area on this you either hate it or love it. Do they have other families to go to or will they just stay there and be with each other?
Those that love it are the ones who have family around them, they can decorate, buy presents and food and the world is their oyster so to speak.  I was part of that group at one time.  My mom used to do up Thanksgiving and Christmas like you see in Currier & Ives prints.  Lots of food, lots of presents, and all very traditional. We opened our presents on Christmas morning!!! I didn’t know that you could do it any other time until I got away from home and observed other people’s  traditions.  For many years we had a picture taken of the four of us and had it made into our Christmas card just to show what a happy little family we were.

Those that hate it…..are alone. Maybe they are divorced, maybe there are no children, maybe they are the only one left in the family still living. Maybe their family is all in other cities too far away or maybe their families have forgotten about them because they are caught up in their own lives and they don’t think you would want to join them anyway.  There are all kinds of reasons you could be alone at the holidays.  If you are grieving the loss of a loved one due to death I would invite you to check out TomZuba.com.  He is a friend who so poignantly and compassionately talks about surviving the holidays while grieving and mourning the loss of a loved one.  Believe me, if anyone would know how to do it, he would and I will let him tell you.I am going to talk about being alone for any other reason.

Since my mom and dad died in 1999 and 2002 respectively, I have been alone at the holidays.  It wasn’t so bad at first, but I am here to tell you, ten years later I hate it. Every year I put up a beautiful tree and I don’t cook a lot but I do cook some of our families traditions like scalloped oysters and homemade Chex Party mix…..I make 5 gallons of it!!!

This year I thought things were going to be different because there is a man in my life however he is with his company out on the east coast doing the cleanup and restoration from hurricane Sandy.  But to come home for just a day or two…I do understand and yes we can celebrate anytime we want.  It could be worse – he could be fighting in Afghanistan. Yes God I am truly grateful he is not of military age. For those families I pray for peace and their safety.

At first I was feeling really sorry for myself and then I decided it could be worse.  I am thinking about that Christmas right after mom died. That was horrible, the worst!  I moved from my bed to the sofa. Dad and I just had sandwiches . We didn’t answer the door or talk on the phone. Neither one of us wanted to deal with anyone. At least I am not having to go through something like that again. Okay Gloriann pull up your big girl jeans and take a deep breath.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and the tree is going up.  I am going to cook some ham, scalloped oysters (did you doubt that?) and my caramel apple pie. At some point during my four days off from work, I am going to take Bella (my yorkie) visit my hospice patients and hopefully bring them either a little joy or a little peace. That will bring me a little joy and a little peace. Christmas will be the same and that is fine. I am NOT looking or wanting an invitation.  I want to be by myself. I will be blogging and watching old Christmas movies and waiting for that man of mine to call.  Yes I will go see my hospice patients also.

I have found that holiday cheer is what you do or make of it on your own.  You can’t expect others to supply your cheer for you.  It comes from way deep down, inside you.  Yes I will have cheer. It probably won’t be like yours if you have family with you, but it will be mine and Bellas.  If you can’t find something to laugh about and be cheery about with Bella around….then you do have a problem.  Until next time…..Happy Thanksgiving from Bella and me.

In the course of my life I have either heard or been told the following:  “we set ourselves up for pain”.  I would agree with that for the most part, but there are those times I know that we can get blind-sided.  Today was not one of those cases.  I was not blind-sided, I set myself up to hurt.

My estranged, older brother was in town this weekend for his class reunion.  Now my brother and I have not spoken in several years. I will not bore you with how we got to this place, just let me say it is something that got way out of hand and I was judged, found guilty and as the Amish would say, now I am being shunned by him. During this period  of time my sister-in-law- informed me that I was no longer considered immediate family so therefore I would not be getting birthday and Christmas gifts anymore. Excuse me, to hell with the gifts,  but since when is a sibling not considered immediate family?

This was the brother that I idolized and followed around when we were growing up. He was my hero. Through two major illnesses I stayed close to home to be with him. I prayed for his safety every day he was in Viet Nam. As a brother and sister we were close. I was there in the stands cheering every Friday night football game he played. He wasn’t the type of guy I wanted to marry but as a brother, he was the best, in my eyes. He wasn’t perfect, but either was I and yet some of the best times in my whole life were with him.

This conflict between the two of us has also caused me to stay away from other family events.  I know how it would be, as I have been there before.  He would act like everything is wonderful between us and put on this front, but then the minute we leave he would go back to shunning me. I can’t go and play that game anymore. That in itself would be setting myself up to be hurt.

So he was home this weekend for his class reunion and having checked the schedule there was a lot of free time.  Why did I think he would call and/or come over? Maybe because I wanted him to.  Except for cousins he is all that I have left. Most of me knew he wouldn’t but I let that one little part of me, my heart, think that he would so I made sure the condo was cleaned up and I made sure I was around, just waiting, just hoping and yes, now hurting.

It is now 7:55 p.m. and I know that he is at home and not giving me one thought.  I am through setting myself up for anymore hurt from him. I love you brother, but I don’t like you so much right now. But I do like myself and I am not going to let you hurt me again.

2/27/13  I won’t do this very often, but on this particular blog post I am, as I have been thinking about it for a long time.  Since I wrote this, I found out that my brother was not in town for the three day event, as his friends thought he would be. He and his wife came in town for one evening event and went home the same day. So he wouldn’t have had time to see me.

I still stand by the reason I wrote this post to begin with. The whole point was to say that if we do not put people on pedestals or make assumptions regarding their actions we will find that we do not get hurt with life as much.  When these people that are on pedestals fall off them, they don’t get hurt, but we do. If we don’t put them there then they can’t fall, and we don’t get hurt. Being on a pedestal is a big responsibility for the person who is on it.  We are asking a lot of them when we put them there.

My mom was a great one for making an assumption that someone was going to do something. Sher spent a great deal of the time hurt because they didn’t do what she assumed they would. To her it was almost a personal insult when they didn’t.

I vow right now in front of cyber-world, God and everyone……there will be no more pedestals or assumptions in my life. Please forgive me friends and loved ones whom I have put on a pedestal at one time or another.  I am taking you off of it.  I don’t want to be hurt anymore and I don’t want to saddle you with the responsibility of worrying about hurting me or keeping up that image on that pedestal.

Again, my intent on this original post was to make a point about setting ourselves up to be hurt, not to deliberately hurt or anger anyone else.

Memorial Day weekend….the official kickoff to summer…..the first of three big weekends of the summer. My refrigerator looks like I am having lots of company….when in actuality I am alone with the exception of Bella.  God Bless Bella!

Holidays are for families and couples…..definitely not for singles.  My mom used to make such a big deal out of all the major holidays.  The food she prepared was fit for royalty and enough to feed a third world country. My brother would show up only if he couldn’t come up with a previously used excuse which always broke my mom’s heart.  If it was just the three of us or sometimes we would have good friends join us or I would invite a friend who had no place to be, whatever the case….we had a good time.

There are times that I almost wish she hadn’t made such a big deal of holidays because now as Bella and I sit here by ourselves, the silence is deafening and the loneliness is ………well let’s just say one is the loneliest number that I ever heard.  Great song by Three Dog Night.

I went today to spend extra time with this elderly gentlemen at St. Anne’s.  He has no one. His daughter abandoned him and so he and I have become friends.  I go every Saturday to see him and about once a month or on special occasions I take him lunch. Today I took him lunch. We talked about how lonely holidays are and how we were glad we had each other.  He loves little Bella and she loves him.  I stayed longer than I usually do. We talk about Nascar and the weather and my job and he needles me about the man in my life who is off in Iowa rebuilding it after the tornadoes, one brick at a time.  He likes to tease me by saying he would “give my guy a run for his money” with me if he wasn’t confined to St. Anne’s.  Ya know….I think he would too!  For several hours there were two less lonely people in the world but they still weren’t fans of holidays.

Well this too shall pass and I can start emotionally preparing myself for the July 4th holiday……..oh joy! But I cannot end until I thank all the men and women in the armed forces who fight for our freedom and especially those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for all of us.

Until next time….

In the three plus years I have live at the current address, periodically there is a little Schnauzer that comes to visit me.  When I say comes to visit me, she lives across the cul-de-sac  from me.  She is let outside to do her business without benefit of a tether line or on a leash with owner present. I am not sure why she always finds her way to my condo unless she just knows that I will always help her out, but it is almost like she is lost. She shivers as she stands there.  When I pick her up she is just fine.

Each time she has come to my door, I have picked her up and taken her back to her owner who does not seem one bit concerned that someone else has her dog, in fact, she didn’t even know the dog was missing! My concerns with this whole scenario is first of all my condo backs up to where the coyotes habitat.  I pray for the bunnies, the squirrels and any other little critter that might wander into the path of the coyotes.  Even small dogs would make a good feast for a coyote.  I never let my dog out without a leash and me with her and we never wander too close to the woods.

The other concern I have for this little dog coming over to see me is she might get hit by a car.  Not everyone is as considerate of animals in the neighborhood as I am. I even brake for frogs and turtles that have wandered out of the creek and pond.

Is this woman stupid or does she just not give a damn about her little dog?  About a month ago the dog came over to our driveway and thank God my neighbor was paying attention and didn’t back out and hit the little dog. When the garage door was starting to close in ran the dog and I hear this scratching on my back door. Now think about this, had I not been home the little dog would have been trapped in the garage until my neighbor or I came home as we share the garage.  I picked up the dog and walked back over to her owners home and this time I decided to give her a few pearls of wisdom.

I started out with “did you know there is a leash law in Winnebago County?”  “Did you know there are coyotes roaming these grounds and they eat small animals?”  “Did you know I could report you to the County, and they would take your dog away from you until you went to court and proved to the judge why you should have the dog and then pay a fine?” Why did I get the feeling the dog was sad for me to leave it there?

It wasn’t three weeks later and here comes the dog again! I guess you just can’t fix stupid!!!  Here comes the lady and when she saw I had the dog she started to cry. I wasn’t very nice. The only thing that stopped me from taking the dog to the County was the fact that I didn’t want to think of how scared that dog would be in a strange place,  and in a cage. But on the other hand I don’t want to see that the dog has been attacked by the coyotes either….and it has happened with other dogs where I live. Can I take the woman and put her in a cage at the pound instead?? That’s a thought!

Stay tuned for the continuing saga of me and the schnauzer.